http://www.worldmag.com/articles/18064
Whew, I thought it was just Boyce.
This last semester was my first semester engaging in the conversation on campus.
Why is the guy/girl atmosphere uncomfortable?
I conjecture. I have no right to a representative voice, as I’m merely one in the crowd this article addresses. When I see issues like this, I want to look for things that have shifted across the board in my generation, compared to the previous ones.
One thing that’s changed is the accessibility to pornography. Not our sexual drive, mind you. I’m not saying the 16 year old boy now squeals with delight at the picture his great-great grandfather would have necessarily turned from in disgust.
I’m saying that most of our culture- starting in childhood- knows aggressive pornography, when most of our grandparents had to be aggressive to obtain it.
That’s a change.
Another change is the interaction that young men and women have. Single men and women mingled occasionally. Now college bathrooms are co-ed.
That’s a change.
Please don’t dismiss me for comparing us to the “good ole days.” Billy Joel was right when he sang the good old days weren’t all that good. But I am using the same measuring stick you are; awkward means different, different implies comparison, and comparison needs history. To say the Christian dating scene is distasteful is to say at one time it was tasteful. You can pick when you think that was.
A last thing has also changed, and this time I’m going straight for the females. We have gained an autonomy of which our foremothers knew nothing. The indoctrination of feminism within our society’s structure is new.
Women used to move from under the umbrella of their fathers to that of their husbands. Now that we’ve gotten out from under both, we don’t know where to run from the rain.
In thinking about dating in the Christian context, I want you to take heart, for there is hope. It’s not ruined. Though there’s not a set formula, no potions to pour into the cauldron producing the perfect relationship. Solomon declared he didn’t even understand “the way of a man with a virgin” (Proverbs 30:19). But if Christians will strive to “flee youthful lusts, but follow righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart,” (2 Tim. 2:22) God can author a remarkable romance. And some pretty normal friendships along the way.
–“There will always be someone more beautiful, more godly, more intelligent: “We can get caught up in the comparison game.” With the choice of a date tantamount to a choice of a mate, Harris says there might always be a better spouse “out there,” so people are afraid to settle: “Girls may say they are waiting for a guy, but they are waiting for a particular guy to take initiative.”
–“There’s the dilemma. Some guys will only ask a girl out if there’s a high degree of probability it will end in marriage. But some young women hate that pressure: “Saying yes to a date is not saying yes to a proposal.” College senior Susannah Foote felt that pressure. She is coming off a failed relationship: “It would have ended earlier without all the pressure. . . . You can’t hang out. You go from zero to 100, or people will talk.”
I think those 2 quotes sum it up pretty well, at least how i feel and a few others i am close with. But you are right “God can author a remarkable romance. And some pretty normal friendships along the way.” And i can attest to that!
Thanks for sharing, when part 2 of that article comes out you gotta let me know!
Thanks for your kindness Steve!
Interesting thoughts.
the article is quiet insightful into the confusion that surrounds the quest for marriage.
I think you have located a large problem when it comes with the guys. Pornography (in all its forms) does take a massive toll on guys. If there is not a loss of interest in females then the toil of guilt shackles them from real leadership.
though, I would say that this is one large problem among many. the evidence is found in the fact of pornography. For Pornography is a physical manifestation of deeper rooted issues. Issues such as discontentment, depression, selfishness, and fear. When we trace the lines one can see these issue come out of both sexes.
That is why I would place a major sector of the problem on lack of the gospel in quest for marriage. One needs to identify themselves with a resurrected Christ, being dead to sin and alive to God and possessing all that is true of Christ, during this time.
The bible needs to start coloring our lens of how we see this time. Marriage is a good thing to pursue, but we will meet tribulation during it. I know from my side deciding to pursue a girl means that there will be many waves of depression and fear in my future. And I am not talking about the reality of rejection even yet. And here I am 5 years into it and rejection has been the staple. But how am I to deal with this? This is reality. Many people, as this article points out, protect themselves with fearful means of distance. Wanting to never get involved with another person out of fear that they may not marry them. They are afraid of failure.
Yet, when the gospel comes in there comes a new light where I see what is really going on. When I truly believe Rom 8:31-39 there is nothing known as a failed relationship! For I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus. Every trial in my life is a means of actually conquering and obtaining the victory. But I wait, I did not get married…I thought I failed? There in lies a gospel vision with our identity in Christ over against a singles vision with an identity of married or not. When I am identified with Christ I see that the end I am being conform to is not marriage but the image of the One I am in union with. God’s purpose for my life is that I would obtain the glory of Jesus Christ (2 Thess 2:14). A glory that is far surpassing of any marital relationship. The gospel teaches me that true happiness is found in wanting to know Christ more than anything (Phil 3:7-8). Thus, even my failed relationships have been means where I have seen my own sins and grown in Christ likeness. Has it been hard? You bet, but relationships are hard to begin with. This just means that every hardship is earning me a weight of glory that cannot be compared with anything.
But here is another great joyful reality of the gospel. By treasuring Christ above all else, I will actually be able to treasure a wife to the fullest extent. I am no long dependent on a woman to provide me strength to get through the day, God is the one doing that (Phil 4:13). I am no longer coming to her needing her to meet all my needs, God is the one doing that (Phil 4:19). The woman is freed from me trying to make a savior out of her. A woman was never meant to be my savior, when I try to make one a savior everyone just gets frustrated. But when I can see a wife as a undeserved gift to love and lead as my true Savior instructs me to do then things work as God intended them to.
Wow, look how you have made me ramble on ;). Hope this makes sense and helps. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Charlie,
Thank you for your passion for Jesus to be the focus of our pursuits.
Thank you for your insight that Jesus is the satisfier of our pursuits as well.
Only He is worthy!
Hey Rebecca, I got some of my recent thoughts on singleness down recently. If you want to you can check them out: http://renewingthoughts.wordpress.com/2011/06/09/dont-waste-your-endeavor-to-be-married/
Thanks for the link!
My favorite part is the fact that guys (and girls definitely) do not go to their spouse for their ultimate fulfillment. I imagine that’s a priceless thing to take into a relationship.
Becca, there is a book called “Lady in Waiting” by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones that speaks to becoming more and more Christlike while waiting for Mr. Right. It’s message is crucial for the single female. There are only 10 chapters, but when it’s right, it’s right. Here are the chapter topics:
1. Lady of Reckless Abandonment
2. Lady of Diligence
3. Lady of Faith
4. Lady of Virtue
5. Lady of Devotion
6. Lady of Purity
7. Lady of Security
8. Lady of Contentment
9. Lady of Conviction
10. Lady of Patience
We all know that the only person we have any control over is ourselves, we can’t make guys ask us out or want us. God is sovereign. We can chose to become more Christlike during this season (I hope) of singleness.